Flowers

If you have heard the phrase “His head is getting too big,” or “She must be feelin’ herself,” this post is for you. Or, maybe instead, you’ve gotten a backhanded compliment about your “little business,” or the tone of disbelief when confronted with your success - this post is also for you.

Whether it is in English or in your mother’s native tongue, there is a cultural commonality among Black and Brown communities that aims to keep egos from forming, doling out healthy doses to ensure that humbleness remains ever-present. It is tradition for elders (and other family members) to withhold flowers, almost as an inoculation to prevent the inflation of the ego in response to success.

But why?

It was protective. They saw the world for what it was - a harsh place that did not care about your self-esteem and a place that could snatch your accomplishments in the blink of an eye. The goal was for us as children to become inured to a barren world devoid of flowers, yet filled with thorns. It’s what was described as “tough love,” to protect us from heartache and disappointment. We would learn to survive by eliminating the need for validation and praise, allowing us to develop skills that made us “resilient” and “strong.”

It was motivational. Our parents (and our parents’ parents) could not afford to give out flowers for fear that we would get lost in counting the petals - we had to push forward because we had to work “twice as hard,” in order to achieve the same as our counterparts. When compliments were offered (if at all), they were brief and only for significant accomplishments. It was our job to push harder, accomplish more, and to receive global accolades before we could get a “good job.”

But, it was also jealousy. We have generations of people who never received flowers of their own, or heard their parents say “I’m proud of you. In addition to never developing the skill of floral arrangement or flower delivery, there is also an element of jealousy at play. Since they grew up surrounded by toughness, which ended up in them “turning out Ok,” there is an inclination for them to treat you as they have been treated. There is a reluctance to offer the luxuries of a self-esteem boost, particularly when they never had such opulence. And as such, the cyclical pattern continues, passing from one generation to the next - minimizing celebration, avoiding compliments, and leaning on “tough love” to the people we love the most.

But what we have learned, is that our mental wellness does not thrive in a world of thorns. Research studies have shown over and over again that self-esteem is directly related to our mental and emotional well-being. It impacts our relationships, our achievements, and ability to navigate and overcome adversity. So, as a person who has been chosen to break generational cycles - it is up to you to plant a garden.

In breaking free from the tradition of withholding flowers, we break the chains of generational silence. It's a courageous act, a rebellion against the scarcity mindset that has lingered for too long. As we navigate the terrain of self-discovery, we realize that celebrating our wins is not a betrayal of our roots; rather, it is a testament to resilience and growth.

The journey towards success is a nuanced landscape, not devoid of challenges. It's a symphony of highs and lows, a dance between joy and disappointment, laughter and grief. Acknowledging our victories doesn't diminish the struggle; instead, it adds color to the narrative.

• For yourself, it's a call to plant a garden of self-affirmation. Celebrate your accomplishments, both big and small. Embrace the journey, recognizing that self-love and acknowledgment are integral to mental wellness.

• For others, extend the invitation to break free from the cycle. Offer compliments, share pride, and contribute to the blooming gardens of self-esteem. Break the silence, be the voice that says, "I'm proud of you." In nurturing each other's self-worth, we collectively dismantle the thorny barriers that hinder mental well-being.

So, let the gardens bloom, not just for us but for the generations to come. It's a revolution of self-celebration, a paradigm shift towards a world where kindness, praise, and self-love are abundant. In planting these seeds, we sow the promise of a future where mental wellness thrives in the fertile soil of self-affirmation.